Chapter 4 The Last Straw

If I can illustrate my mental state and my general disposition when I started rekindling my cradle Catholic rooted faith, I would probably fail miserably. It was not a single event that turned me into an overnight re-convert. Rather, it was a slow burn in the arena of life from my Catholic school upbringing, from being influenced by a religious grandmother, down to my mom's superstitious upbringing, leading up to confronting an unplanned pregnancy and my father's passing. 

One afternoon in Philosophy class, I still remember how the word discernment came up in our class discussion and how my ears were so tuned I felt I needed to hear it to set me up for a future personal mission. I always knew I have my own personal demons to battle out and that only my faith and my foundation would save me. 

And so one by one I saw my comfort zone wasting away and my callous lifestyle backbiting me in ways I was not prepared to face. Imagine being 30 something and like most normal folk would be happily married and raising kids but instead, I was single, struggling from paycheck to paycheck; looking after my parents and youngest sibling back home, and seeking love and validation from bad relationships. I was a lost lamb who cannot seem to find her bearings, unable to sustain itself, wounded and out there waiting to be slaughtered by the wolves. 

Something has to happen, at least that's how I see it now. So just like that my world gets turned upside down with a PT. Just like that I packed my stuff to return home to my parents, defeated but satisfied at the prospect of motherhood. Never mind that I was single and my child's father did not show interest or acknowledged his child. It was a no-brainer that it will be a difficult road ahead but it was a challenge that I gladly accepted. It was after all the best decision I have ever made and it proved right finding out later on that my time with my Father has an expiration date. That to me was the last straw that broke me into ways I will not wish upon even to my worst enemy.